Impressive Blond Moments

We were burning "stuff" in our fire pit, but it wasn't working very well, so I took an axe to our Christmas tree (which yes, was still lying in our yard... so, so classy...). My eye began twitching. And wouldn't stop. I started to worry that I was having a stroke or something bizzarre caused by the abundance of smoke and hacking away with my right hand... Finally I had the mind to go look in the mirror and watch it twitch~ where I noticed that I had somehow gotten sap on my eyelid, which then caused it to stick every time I blinked. (twitch...twitch)

While getting ready for bed, I noticed I really needed to clean my glasses. So I did. I tried putting them on again, only to think that something was really wrong-- my vision was terribly blurry. So I went to work on them once more because it looked like a little hand with little fingerprints left lots of smudges all over my lenses. After cleaning them twice, I realized my problem was that I had not yet taken out my contacts....