Spiritual Rut

It's interesting how I am in a fabulous place spiritually- as I am involved in a Beth Moore Study, reading the Treasure Principle by Randy Alcorn, working on my New Testament Survey class at Koinonia Institute, and for the first time in my life, I am doing a daily, first thing in the morning quiet time and keeping a prayer journal. More like a "one-sided conversations with God" journal. Spiritually, I am doing great, and I love where God has me right now. It is a sweet spot :-)

But I feel like I am still in the rut, emotionally. I can't seem to find my joy-- I say things I wouldn't normally, I am grouchy, frustrated, feel like crying all the time....

No, I am not pregnant. Although I kinda wish I was so I could know for sure why I am feeling like this.

But I do feel like I am here for a reason. I think God is using this time of despair, mellowness, and lackluster to draw me to Him. So I seek Him first, in every situation. I believe this is a time of growth, for which I have been praying, but pruning is not easy. I am not even sure what is being pruned, except for my independence and self-reliance. I tear up as I write. Those are very hard things to let go of... As you can read, I can't seem to pull myself up out of the rut, and it frustrates me to no end. I know that even as I pray for deliverance, it will not come until the limb is gone-- it frightens me to wonder how long it will take.

And there is even doubt. Doubt that what I believe is the reason is really the reason. Or am I just needing more vitamins? I turn to caffeine :-) for a little pick me up.

So your prayers are deeply appreciated. My children need my patience, of which I have very little. My husband needs my support and respect, and the wrong words keep coming out of my mouth. I fail all day long. Is this growth? Or is it depression? Or both?